BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM

CAUSE

CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet

Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Improper Bladder Control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

You have fallen forward

See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender.  If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.  Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Don't drink it

People are standing around bathroom stalls, talking or putting on makeup

You're in the ladies' room

Do not use urinal!  Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in

You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.  Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.  Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song

Beer is just right

Play air guitar